Fatin's Mom

Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend several hours in the afternoon with my middle daughter, and for our one-on-one date we spent it at the new Savannah Mall Branch library. This is my favorite branch here in town (admittedly, I’m partial because it will be the home of my upcoming Coastal Readers and Writers Circle). But, it is also my favorite because it offers great programs, one of which I was lucky enough to catch yesterday.

The last day for the clever “What Do You Geek?” public library awareness campaign ended yesterday and as a finale, the libraries had Geek Week. Various events occurred throughout the city and the nation in accordance with this event, and our new SW Chatham Branch Live Oak Library had a viewing of the independent film

ARRANGED. 

There I was in that wonderful teen section on the second floor, with my preteen reading books, in one of the most beautiful corners of this library. We were nestled in one of the study rooms where the architectural considerations makes you feel as though you are sitting up in a mossy-covered tree house. This corner of the building is flanked with large windows and adjacent one of those beautiful, large live oaks so characteristic of coastal Georgia.

It was hard to tear away from that mossy-covered-oak-tree-house of a spot, but when the announcement came on over the PA system about the airing of the independent film, Arranged, plan B was already in the making. As a huge fan of good indie films, I made my way downstairs to the auditorium to check this film out about how two distinctly different cultures dealt with the issue of arranging marriages for their daughters. My 12-year old begged out, which was fine with me, as I was more than appreciative of her carving out this quality quiet time during the weekend to read.

As I watched this film, so many thoughts went through my mind, and, as a lifetime diarist, I whipped out my journal and took notes…I thought back to a woman I’d befriended years back while living in Arlington, VA who was in an arranged marriage. She was from India. She was nice, beautiful, and intelligent, and we had great sideline conversations as her daughter, Fatin, and my oldest daughter were preschool playmates.

She was a trained medical doctor in her country, but after marrying her chosen husband, she was now a stay at home mother here in America having children and homemaking.

At this time in my life I was married to someone outside of my culture and working on my Masters in African Studies, and as always, interested in anything Other. Other cultures, other religions, other traditions, other foods, and of course, other stories.

I would take her up on her offers for play dates with the girls at her home. She spoiled me with fantastic vegetarian cuisine from her country as we snacked while the girls played. I loved learning as we talked about our respective lives as women often do. Sadly, I don’t recall her name, as names always escape me, but she left me thinking hard one day as we talked about marriage, and particularly, her arrangement by her parents.

My mind was filled with images of the elaborate garb, the wedding tattoos, the ornate scenes, the rituals, extended family, the food, festivities and dancing. But the disclosure most intriguing of all was the fact that she laid eyes on her husband for the first time on her wedding day. That day! Not a day before, a week before, a month…nothing before. That day.

Now this was a bit different from the movie wherein the two cultures presented a perhaps modern version as it may be played out in today’s time as it was set in Brooklyn, NY. An Orthodox Jewish and a Muslim young lady were going through this rite of passage in the film and the families participated in finding the appropriate dates for the young women during their courtship.

Not only did the film underscore the theme of friendship transcending religion, but it shed light into other perspectives of this process. Yes, there were obvious themes present in the film such as modernity vs. traditionalism, cultural and religious segregation vs. integration, imported cultures within America, and of course, family and love; but, particularly having another take on matrimony was thought provoking. Having viewers to think about how we view dating and love in our culture today was one of the jewels of Arranged.

Seeing how families considered prospects for their daughters in one of the more important ventures of the rest of her life was eye-opening. Truthfully, no matter who or when a woman marries, her life is forever changed. Apparently, the families are well aware of this truism as the traits and characteristics of their children are taken in consideration with regard to the traits and characteristics of another person and/or family. Many factors are considered such as class, education, and grooming.  Fatin’s mom told me of how her family took many years to find her husband and communicated with the chosen family for years prior to her marriage. It was as though progress reports were shared between the parents regarding the molding process of each of them, but, however, unbeknownst to either of them. As she described much of this, the question that kept coming to my mind was, did she love him?

I must admit that much of our courtship practices to date leave much to be desired. I shudder to think of my daughters engaging in most of what happens in our dating culture here in the US. I mean come on, my middle schooler is learning of things in health that was not taught to me until I was leaving high school. Sign of the times indeed, but jarring nonetheless.

But what about love, I continue to ask? Not the flighty, infatuation fluffy stuff that hovers over the novelty of many relationships, or that puppy love that we often experience as our hormones rage us through certain developmental years of our early lives – but love, love. The stuff that attracts and binds and molds and creates and procreates and respects and endures and nurtures and compromises and intuits and builds and provides and transcends and forgives and upholds and ebbs and flows and ..sustains.

What about love? I asked as the movie played out its storyline of a seemingly alternative, but actually age-old manner of coupling? What about love? I rhetorically ask our current dating culture.

“But do you love him?” I asked Fatin’s mom. Those questions were loaded with thoughts of the possibility of her culture shunting any chances of her discovering the love of her life on her own and making her own choice of a mate for life.

“Yes.”

“Really, when did you start loving him?” I asked as I pondered my own belief in love at first sight.

“I don’t know. I just did. You do grow to love someone.”

“You just grew to love him?” I quizzed, puzzled beyond belief. “What about the things you don’t love about him?”

“There are things you don’t love about everyone,” she admitted. “Aren’t there things you don’t love about your husband who you dated and were engaged to for a year?”

What an interesting question at present, as we were divorced about five or so years after that...

Seeing Arranged, made me think back to that conversation with her on her living room sofa. Just as it made me think of what we practice here as we seek partnerships -- all of us, whether arranged or not. I thought about how beautiful brides are of all cultures on their wedding day as Arranged provided such wonderful validating images of this. And, as the mother of three beautiful daughters, with such days somewhere in the future, I wept at all of the possibilities…